“TO BE OR NOT TO BE”

SHOMER NEGIAH – Guarding of Touch

The following is my attempt at restating the messages our guest speaker (author of Magic Touch) wished to convey to our captivated group:

Finding ones soul mate is like returning to ones original state of being, from the times of creation, when Adam and Eve were (according to commentary) created back to back. Ever since their physical detachment, human behavior has been fueled by the desire to reconnect, reunite each with his mate.

Touch is a subconscious connection. Touch is powerful even in non-romantic situations; subsequently in romantic relationships. Any physical contact in general brings down barriers, creating an entirely different atmosphere once that very thin line is crossed.

Females and males have completely different viewpoints. Males (yes, as a generalization of majority) look to “score,” while females look to feel an emotional attachment. As soon a girl does acquiesce to physical contact, her objectivity goes out the window, even from as simple an action as holding hands, blinding her from anything other than feelings of attachment. Touch is a sort of clutch that people rely on too much. The objectivity that may have been there previously has been shed away, leaving behind a filter where only positive elements are evident.

For couples who are physical prior to marriage, this “rose-colored, magical screen” lifts only after marriage, leading to the ever-increasing divorce rate. For them it is a rude awakening and often quite frightening when there are unpleasant surprises.

Ben Franklin once said, “Before marriage, keep both eyes open. Afterward, keep one eye tightly shut.”

Love

Very few people truly know what they are talking about when they use this term. When the day comes that he will say, “I love you,” do you want to be questioning if he means it?

There are two kinds of love: the kind of love the way he feels when he’s with you (like I love chicken), which is a selfish love, or the second, him loving you for who you are as a person. It becomes difficult to discern between real love and self-love when you are blinded by emotional, physical attachment. That is not true love.

Baggage/Your Past

We are all products of what we’ve done in the past. The Talmud states very bluntly that when 2 divorcees marry, there are 4 people in bed on the wedding night. The more people you come in direct contact with…well that bed can get pretty crowded.

Baggage… And when, on your wedding day, you enter your “yichud room” with your husband, how many others are you willing to share that space with? Do you want a whole welcoming entourage or would you like to have your first alone time with your husband to be really private?

There is always Teshuva, of course. Sensitivity and that specialness can once again return. Obviously, this it is only possible to change if you are looking toward your future and not merely living in the moment.

When presented with this struggle, speak about it together. Think, “Wait a second. If we get physical now it will satisfy the needs to feel close, but I might I regret this in a few years when I am with my husband?” Why dilute the specialness, the purity? Why create regret that cannot be squelched?

Allow that sensitivity to return.

Imagine the day he will say to you, “I want to spend the rest of my life with you because of who you are…from what I see after spending all this time with you…knowing that once we get married it will only get better…” That will be the day.

- Mrs. Gila Mendelsohn