Today’s note-passing…
Here’s a typical scenario: Girl and guy decide to go their separate ways for seminary, shluchos, smicha, whatever – for the upcoming year… Now, what happens after that, once they are each ready to look for their basherts? What then?
Is it better to marry someone you had a physical relationship with (providing both parties want it), or start anew, when looking for a husband/wife?
Is it better to marry someone you had a physical relationship with (providing both parties want it), or start anew, when looking for a husband/wife?
posted by yoniQua at 10:45 AM
25 Comments:
(author’s note – this topic was inspired by both bayit yehudi class and something I read online.)
if both parties want it, then it’s probably a good idea to get married… Was there an answer given online?
There was no answer. Just a girl saying that she’s afraid to go away next year for seminary, to spend a year away from her beau – just in case they convince her to look for a new, probably more Chassidish guy.
You said it’s a good idea… Explain why you think so.
Because if they’ve both found each other and agree to get married, why should they try to find someone else? My teacher once answered this question saying, “if they think they are right for each other yet don’t want to get married or are too young then they should separate for a year and once they mature (at least in decision making) then they will be able to see if it’s still ‘shayach’.!!! J
Ok, so that’s how I think, as well. One thing I’ve heard against it, tho, is that if she’s been away for a year already and has, in a sense, ‘gotten over him,’ why rekindle it at all if it might not work out in the end? Cuz if they were physical before, that objectivity isn’t really there much, anymore.
Besides, just for argument’s sake, why not start fresh? Over the year they’ve both grown and matured – move on!
(btw im very pro ppl who love each other getting married!)
I guess its all relative (depends on each individual situation) and hopefully the girl or boy will be able to see if before it was just a physical relationship and they’ll hopefully make the right decision as to whether they are right for each other.
uh. u guys.. chassidish doesn't fit here. it bugs the hell outta me when peeps confuse the two.. if they were in a physical relationship tehn there is no chassidishkeit... its frumkeit thats the matter at hand. she needs to find someone more frum. and if its a question, i.e. she's doubting him already, then she should find a frumer man.
k so forget chassidishkeit for a moment. what do u think of them getting back together or starting new?
ur not addressing the topic, cmon.
obviously you don't love him if you're thinking of starting anew!!!!!
when i started thinking otherwise, and not missing him that much (after months of teary nights..) And then other guys came up. btw. for all u gals out there, your parents really know you the best. you'll see with shiduchim.. and better will only come up.
but, if you still have a wonderful connection and you share the same values, why not? how beautiful is it to grow up with your lover?
good luck
For all intents and purposes, I'm not gonna comment on the topic, however, I have to strongly disagree with the last comment....
"your parents really know you the best."
Um, I don't know what its like for girls, though I would imagine it may be very similar to guys that parents really don't know their own child. The average Lubavitch kid leaves their family somewhere between the ages of 14-18. There are many exceptions, but that's kinda the trend. Now, 14-18 are pretty fundamental years in a person's growth. Those years are so influential to charachter development.
Then you have 18-21 where even the ones who stayed home all those years, definitely leave the house and go afar. These are the most defining years in anyone's life. I'm no statistician but I'd certainly assume that most people follow the beliefs, value systems and personality traits that are set out then.
This means that in the most crucial years of charachter development, most people's parents are, for the most part, out of the picture. Parents cannot know their children.
I once remarked that if I'm gonna go the conventional Shidduch route, I'd rather rely on the Shluchim who I work for now to assist me, than my own father. I love my dad dearly, but I haven't spent more than two weeks with him in the past six years.
so even if your parents don't know you best- they definetly love you more than anyone else. so they want whats best for you. only they do. so nemo- here's some advice- open up to your parents let them into your life, let them know whats changed over the last few years- they are definetly not strangers and u will be suprised how well they do know you.
no one is better to be involved in your shidduch than your parents bec their unyeilding love can make alot of differnce.
thanks for the note. um... what advice would i give? don't have too high of expectations. guys don't think like girls, so if something doesn't happen exactly the way you expect, don't feel let down (unless he's mean, then feel free to dump him, lol). this is my first relationship so maybe some guys are like girls, but those probably arent the ones dating girls, if ya get my drift.
That all depends... would one be looking for a relationship where there was no physical contact? After seminary many people "frum out". Even those who were not shomer before seminary/yeshiva, may become shomer afterwards. If one party does not want to be physical and one does, then it probably can't work out. It would be too hard for both. But if there is a mutual agreement that there will be no touching (or, in some cases, that there will be), I see no reason why they would need to look for new people to have a relationship with. Hm... unless of course that relationship was only based on the physical aspect of it. Then I'd say both parties should definitely look elsewhere for their basheret.
anon/been there - friends know u best. ppl whove been ur friends longest know u best... parents know your potential. And yah, just recently I realized that I want my mom to know me (my dads more realistic) so I opened up to her and basicaly came out in the open about the things I'm not too fond of discussing anymore.
Oh, and for those of you who dont know what timorous kid is refering to, I asked her a Q on her blog to answer. She says shes in a great relationship with a guy, so I asked her what kind of advice shed give girls who have never been in relationships before - but what i forgot to mention is this continuation, "when they are looking for THE husband. Not a guy to love. A husband. Theres a big difference. The love and everything is all inclusive in the husband - not the lover." So now tell me in other words -
What would you tell them about how to know when the guy you are meeting as a potential husband is one you can love or not? Many girls have never experienced love like that and need to hear it from people who have.
For me it was just a feeling in my gut. After the third date it just felt right, but it wasn't until about 2-3 months into it that I absolutely knew he was the one. I'm not sure about other people, maybe it takes them longer or shorter, but that's how it went for me. And how did I know it was love? I really can't explain it. It was just a feeling, mostly. Also, I always wanted to talk to him about everything (and I am an EXTREMELY introverted person.) For me, that's what really sealed the deal. I had never been able to talk to anyone about everything (or even some things) before until I fell in love with him.
Yoniqua : Is this a seminary blogspot? It'll be a first among the many yeshiva ones if it is.
this is the blog of a seminary girl... soon to be ex-seminary girl...
the first of many yeshiva blogs?
there are many seminary girls who have blogs. not too many seminaries would open a public all-seminary-girls-welcome blog, no.
yoniqua- who says ours like it?
If you have grown over a whole year, chances are that the other party grew or did not (went lover.) you have to see in what direction the other person has taken and remember to alwyas think five years ahead, down the line... is this person you want as a father for your children (vice versa)
"eize hu chacham, haroeh es hanolad", you have to see beyond the dandy romance and sugur plum trees.
oops i didnt write in the parenthesis (went lover) i meant to write (went lower) lol
l'chaim
rem - i like the objectivity. well said.
graj - huh?
so ur saying they should have a go at it - to go out and see for themselves what the deal is.
its a thought. im sure theyd both like that. and id hope itd serve to their benefit... a proper choice leading to a proper outcome...
but again, we can only hope.
whether or not they will get back together...
they have to start a fresh either way
get over everything
and move on
regardless of whatever this means they will ultimately end up together
otherwise youll never get over that stage, and never move on from that point where you orignally got together, youll be in the same frame of mind
you have to get oevr it, move on, take time to grow up and realise that it was stupid, assess the situation ALONE
and decide what it best for you
whether that means you are meant for each other
or whether is it a case of misjudgment, and youll find someone more suitible
whatever it is, move on
could u plz not post as anonymous? at least use a psudonym or wtvr if u dont want to write ur name...
so to ANON #2 - u dont soundy like you know anyone in such a situation or can even empathize. think about it as if you were in one of those peoples spots - how would you feel. i understand what you are saying. i agree to an extent... but you might not want to be so harsh in how you come across with your messages...
nono dont get me wrong
i have been there...on the contrary i know he reality of it
and it IS harsh
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