LET ME VENT, ITS MY SITE. NOT EVERY MALE IS A MAN!!
Alright. Reality has hit.
It's like driving, kind of. Whether or not you are driving smartly and safely, the other driver may not be. Your safe driving may minimize the wreckage of an accident (G-d forbid), but you have no control over the other drivers on the road...
(Although I was taught to always drive on the "defense", NYC and LA have brought out the "offensive" driver in me.)
The same is true on shlichut. (A road...shluchos..) Whether or not I am "driving safely and cautiously" I have no control over the "other drivers on the road".
In this case:
"driving smartly" = I am shomer negiah. Period.
"other drivers" = horny men i like to call "kakas" which to me means "sleaze"
Now, everyone here knows what my (our) job here is. Everyone knows that a) I work for the Rabbi b) I am polite and friendly even if "I'm sorry, I don't shake hands" ...
FIRST OF ALL - EXACTLY WHAT AM I SORRY FOR? I'M NOTT SORRY THAT I'M RELIGIOUS! HECK NO. I'M A JEW AND PARRROOUD OF IT!
It has only proven to be beneficial to me, to not permit guys to touch me. Suddenly, either men become uninterested or otherwise respectful and mindful of my "boundaries"...
I'll really vent now. Two incidents - two men. i wont even call them men. ill call them animals. bc what it is is animal instinct - "i want, so i shall get". First guy - totally aware of how we work... grew up in Brooklyn, knows exactly whats going on... Got lil "shikkur/tipsy" on Simchat Torah and proceeded to hug me. Not only was it inappropriate and he knew so, but he did it out in the sukkah where there were tons of ppl, the Rabbi, my co-worker, everyone. I couldn't slap him, I couldn't do anything but stand there stiffly so that the guests and Rabbi wouldn't think I'd consented.
Now the second guy... he REALLY makes me mad. Israeli. The REAL israeli kaka. full-blown. He completely disregards the fact that we CHOOSE not to touch and be touched by men. (hes a child.. so far from "man") He purposely stands SO close, slides RIGHT by, sqeezes his way just so, so that he skims me in the slightest way so that I have a doubt in my mind as to whether or not he really did touch me. Forget about violating me, have so respect! The other night it went too far. He let the back of his hand brush against my lil tush... im telling you, and i know i promised my friends that the next time id do something serious about it, well... i couldnt! this was at Shabbat dinner! There were close to 200 ppl there! And this was in the kitchen. I knew I'd blow a fit, get all crazy-dramatic right then, so I stormed out, so as not to blow it indoors. The steam is still hovering over the building we rented out for that event...
What a complete AH. The next two times he came up to me I told him very distinctly that I was not going to talk to him, and that either he or I will leave. First time, I did. Second time, he did. Good.
And the next (G-d forbid for him, cuz im a tough chick) time... oy Hashem help him. He'll be yelping in pain. Be it in the synagogue or out in the middle of the street...
What do I learn from this?
Well, when I came, I lost my tough-chick-ness. Well, i didn't really lose it, but I put it away temporarily. I thought - on shlichut out here, I gotta be nice to everyone. No matter what. I remember that first time a guy hit on me while I was on the job and I caught myself thinking, wow, here I am, and I'm actually going to be polite (tho still professional) back.
It's not like that. Guys will be guys wherever. No matter what you think you are, who you think you are, what I think I'm doing. Yeah, I'm protecting myself against more serious things, but these small things matter as well, especially when they add up.
Ok, I'll go for some coffee right now. I needa chill.
It's like driving, kind of. Whether or not you are driving smartly and safely, the other driver may not be. Your safe driving may minimize the wreckage of an accident (G-d forbid), but you have no control over the other drivers on the road...
(Although I was taught to always drive on the "defense", NYC and LA have brought out the "offensive" driver in me.)
The same is true on shlichut. (A road...shluchos..) Whether or not I am "driving safely and cautiously" I have no control over the "other drivers on the road".
In this case:
"driving smartly" = I am shomer negiah. Period.
"other drivers" = horny men i like to call "kakas" which to me means "sleaze"
Now, everyone here knows what my (our) job here is. Everyone knows that a) I work for the Rabbi b) I am polite and friendly even if "I'm sorry, I don't shake hands" ...
FIRST OF ALL - EXACTLY WHAT AM I SORRY FOR? I'M NOTT SORRY THAT I'M RELIGIOUS! HECK NO. I'M A JEW AND PARRROOUD OF IT!
It has only proven to be beneficial to me, to not permit guys to touch me. Suddenly, either men become uninterested or otherwise respectful and mindful of my "boundaries"...
I'll really vent now. Two incidents - two men. i wont even call them men. ill call them animals. bc what it is is animal instinct - "i want, so i shall get". First guy - totally aware of how we work... grew up in Brooklyn, knows exactly whats going on... Got lil "shikkur/tipsy" on Simchat Torah and proceeded to hug me. Not only was it inappropriate and he knew so, but he did it out in the sukkah where there were tons of ppl, the Rabbi, my co-worker, everyone. I couldn't slap him, I couldn't do anything but stand there stiffly so that the guests and Rabbi wouldn't think I'd consented.
Now the second guy... he REALLY makes me mad. Israeli. The REAL israeli kaka. full-blown. He completely disregards the fact that we CHOOSE not to touch and be touched by men. (hes a child.. so far from "man") He purposely stands SO close, slides RIGHT by, sqeezes his way just so, so that he skims me in the slightest way so that I have a doubt in my mind as to whether or not he really did touch me. Forget about violating me, have so respect! The other night it went too far. He let the back of his hand brush against my lil tush... im telling you, and i know i promised my friends that the next time id do something serious about it, well... i couldnt! this was at Shabbat dinner! There were close to 200 ppl there! And this was in the kitchen. I knew I'd blow a fit, get all crazy-dramatic right then, so I stormed out, so as not to blow it indoors. The steam is still hovering over the building we rented out for that event...
What a complete AH. The next two times he came up to me I told him very distinctly that I was not going to talk to him, and that either he or I will leave. First time, I did. Second time, he did. Good.
And the next (G-d forbid for him, cuz im a tough chick) time... oy Hashem help him. He'll be yelping in pain. Be it in the synagogue or out in the middle of the street...
What do I learn from this?
Well, when I came, I lost my tough-chick-ness. Well, i didn't really lose it, but I put it away temporarily. I thought - on shlichut out here, I gotta be nice to everyone. No matter what. I remember that first time a guy hit on me while I was on the job and I caught myself thinking, wow, here I am, and I'm actually going to be polite (tho still professional) back.
It's not like that. Guys will be guys wherever. No matter what you think you are, who you think you are, what I think I'm doing. Yeah, I'm protecting myself against more serious things, but these small things matter as well, especially when they add up.
Ok, I'll go for some coffee right now. I needa chill.
posted by yoniQua at 3:13 PM
16 Comments:
they cant resist you my love.. do u blame em?
I'm not so sure about the first guy (I'm hoping he was just drunk and too embarassed to apologize later), but the second guy sounds like a predator. Even in the secular would, a guy does NOT go out of his way to get his hands on someone who has clearly and repeatedly said no. Have you talked to the rabbi about this? Does he know what's going on? This is your work environment. In a secular job, the supervisor should step in and tell the guy to stop it (and fire him or otherwise force him to get away from you if he doesn't). Touching a woman's tush when she's not able to get away or protest is NOT acceptable EVER in ANY setting. This isn't a shomer negia issue; it's a sexual harassment issue. Is he doing this to anyone else?
It's so typical Israeli that I wouldn't even take it personally.
graj - im sick of being that. i am. u mention my name to guys and see what the first thing they say under their breath is. or to another guy. im tired of it. it makes me sick. yeah i used to be flattered by it, but now I think theres more to me and if they cant see that, they should keep their mouths shut.
ahuva - well the first guy is actually more of a predator in my opinion bc hes unstopable. and he will go to extremes to get what he wants, whereas the israeli just doesnt know his limits. i could have said more about the first guy, but i dont wanna freak out the rabbi ya know...
the rabbi is aware to some extent, i think they plan on using his bouncer-buff brother in law to scare him a bit... heh heh
and no the israeli is not doing this to the same extent to anyone else. he in annoying my co-worker too, but shes related to the fam, so he knows not to mess. at least he knows THAT limit. ha.
nemo - its america, honey. and ur a guy so of course ull say not to take it personally.
Although it is important to stick by your religious beliefs and standards it is equally, if not more important, in hashem's eyes to treat all human beings respectfully and nicely.
from personal experience with sexual harassment, because that's exactly what you have described, i want to strongly caution you that you need to stand up now and say something. i thought if i just looked the other way is would disappear. but silence is saying that's okay with me. the longer you avoid confrontation with these 'men' and your rabbi the more at risk you are to expereince increased sexual harassment. even though i'm sure this sounds like overkill, better you should stop it now that wait until it gets worse. it's not like your rabbi doesn't consel people, i'm sure he has experience and maybe even good idea as to how to deal with the situation.
cheers
First anon, she's not doing these kids any favor by letting them get away with it. The behavior she's describing could get them fired from an American job. They need to learn that "don't touch me" MEANS hands off before they get into a situation where they can really get themselves in trouble.
I wholeheartedly agree with the last anon (and I'm also speaking from experience) when he/she said that being silent doesn't help. It also sounds like the rabbi doesn't know the full extent of what's going on. He needs to know. It's his job to protect you as well as cater to the community (and he's not helping the community by letting them get away with disrespecting women).
Attention ANON1 - I am greatly offended by your remark. You have no business making that rude statement.. Only a guy with no religious values, and moral values would say that. Only a guy could say that anyway.
ANON2 - (these anons arent exactly convenient)
for an update - i did stand up for myself. the second guy is now pretty intimidated by me. Yeah, this big buff guy was gonna scare him for me, but im a tough chick - i take care of my own business.
i spoke to the first guy (who i know i didnt mention about other incidents with him but hes more of a sexual predator) and demanded my respect. he gave it to me. thats all that counts.
this has nothing to do with the rabbi. i dont want this to make the community or the rabbi look any less incredible than they are. thats what they are - incredible, amazing.
its taken care of. the end.
tough-chick is back!
Yay!!!! You go, girl! :) :) :)
Just a Question, does your co-worker have the same "issues" or "encounters" as you?
You know maybe your......
if u have something to say - say it.
Just saying maybe it's you..........
my co-worker is the rebbetzins sister. who happens to have a very protective brother who will take out anyone who messes w her. (i take care of my own business, tho he did try to help)
that just about sums it up...
if u wanna ask me something email me plz (these comments come to my email anyway) cuz i dont like blogging at the moment. thanks.
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