marry me
I am kinda fired-up about this right now... So I am re-posting something i wrote last year.
*I've been taught that, "In the place of a Baal Teshuva, a Tzaddik cannot stand." (BT=person who has returned to his Jewish roots, Tzaddik=righteous person)
So I demand to understand why it is that some ppl are, as I have decided, too stuck up and self-righteous to accept a Baal Teshuva (or someone with BT parents) into their family....
It really makes me sad. Not so much for myself - for I have come to terms with it. But for all of the BTs who have plunged into the "frum" (religiously Jewish) world against the secular current of their families’... Well, how do you think THEY feel? Rotten, that's how. What a lovely slap in the face: "Well, I'm sorry to inform you, but So and So is not interested in marrying someone who is not Frum From Birth (FFB)." Gee.
Here is the supporting argument for someone who feels that way:
- He wants his kids to have frum extended family.
- He wants that she should have no "past".
- He worries that she may be more "experienced" than he.
- He fears the world she knew and has turned her back on.
- He wants to relate to his wife in the way that they were brought up.
Now... All of those reasons I have heard. All of those reasons may be just.
But when (and this applies to whether the guy is BT OR the girl) the girl is from a FAMILY where the FAMILY became more religious, the first reason does not apply. She may not even HAVE much of a past. On the contrary, she may have a past that she not only regrets so completely, but that she works extra hard for the rest of her life to be the very very best she can be! She’s worked so hard, and her only wish is to marry a good “mentch” of a guy so that her children have whom to emulate. She might love to marry a BT, but would also welcome a husband who was always frum. She may not want reminders of her previous life. She may want to move only forward. (Again, he/she.)
It is absolutely disheartening to hear that the “frum” world (generalization, yes) condemns BTs in the "Shidduchim Marriages" department, when (GO LUBOBS!) they’re all ABOUT bringing people closer to Judaism. It’s like, ‘Sure, I’ll kasher your kitchen, but don’t ever think I’d eat in it.’ You know what I mean?
[Side note: It is also frustrating when, in some circles, the BTs get more attention than your mainstream frum person… I’m talking congregation-type settings. Wtvr.]
By the way, I have a theory, which may be shared by others, that we are all Baalei Teshuva. How? We all STRIVE to grow. We all DO work on ourselves and do our best to improve. But sometimes, that is not enough – to TRY.
The following is my support for BT’s –
- Have you noticed that the BT’s have that extra FIRE that FFBs, more often than not, have hidden (notice that I did not say “do not have”)?
- Do you see the constant growth and maturing?
- It is important to them that they keep increasing their knowledge of Judaism and improving their practices.
- They have an appreciation that someone who is frum from birth cannot have.
*I'm not going into detail what my deal is exactly, but my family became closer to Lubavitch over time, until I was in 10th grade that we were finally considered "one of the Lubavitch families" in my community.*
Bottom Line: Passion. Appreciation.
That is a BT.
(You MUST have some thought on this.)
*I've been taught that, "In the place of a Baal Teshuva, a Tzaddik cannot stand." (BT=person who has returned to his Jewish roots, Tzaddik=righteous person)
So I demand to understand why it is that some ppl are, as I have decided, too stuck up and self-righteous to accept a Baal Teshuva (or someone with BT parents) into their family....
It really makes me sad. Not so much for myself - for I have come to terms with it. But for all of the BTs who have plunged into the "frum" (religiously Jewish) world against the secular current of their families’... Well, how do you think THEY feel? Rotten, that's how. What a lovely slap in the face: "Well, I'm sorry to inform you, but So and So is not interested in marrying someone who is not Frum From Birth (FFB)." Gee.
Here is the supporting argument for someone who feels that way:
- He wants his kids to have frum extended family.
- He wants that she should have no "past".
- He worries that she may be more "experienced" than he.
- He fears the world she knew and has turned her back on.
- He wants to relate to his wife in the way that they were brought up.
Now... All of those reasons I have heard. All of those reasons may be just.
But when (and this applies to whether the guy is BT OR the girl) the girl is from a FAMILY where the FAMILY became more religious, the first reason does not apply. She may not even HAVE much of a past. On the contrary, she may have a past that she not only regrets so completely, but that she works extra hard for the rest of her life to be the very very best she can be! She’s worked so hard, and her only wish is to marry a good “mentch” of a guy so that her children have whom to emulate. She might love to marry a BT, but would also welcome a husband who was always frum. She may not want reminders of her previous life. She may want to move only forward. (Again, he/she.)
It is absolutely disheartening to hear that the “frum” world (generalization, yes) condemns BTs in the "Shidduchim Marriages" department, when (GO LUBOBS!) they’re all ABOUT bringing people closer to Judaism. It’s like, ‘Sure, I’ll kasher your kitchen, but don’t ever think I’d eat in it.’ You know what I mean?
[Side note: It is also frustrating when, in some circles, the BTs get more attention than your mainstream frum person… I’m talking congregation-type settings. Wtvr.]
By the way, I have a theory, which may be shared by others, that we are all Baalei Teshuva. How? We all STRIVE to grow. We all DO work on ourselves and do our best to improve. But sometimes, that is not enough – to TRY.
The following is my support for BT’s –
- Have you noticed that the BT’s have that extra FIRE that FFBs, more often than not, have hidden (notice that I did not say “do not have”)?
- Do you see the constant growth and maturing?
- It is important to them that they keep increasing their knowledge of Judaism and improving their practices.
- They have an appreciation that someone who is frum from birth cannot have.
*I'm not going into detail what my deal is exactly, but my family became closer to Lubavitch over time, until I was in 10th grade that we were finally considered "one of the Lubavitch families" in my community.*
Bottom Line: Passion. Appreciation.
That is a BT.
(You MUST have some thought on this.)
posted by yoniQua at 10:02 PM
5 Comments:
yoni,
it seems like you have a serious inferiority complex.
if someone doesn't want an excellent girl like urself..then IT'S THEIR LOSS!!!
U shouldn't WANT someone who has such attitudes.
And, you contradict yourself. If, as you write, that BT's are so amazing (passionate and appreciate) then why are you griping about the about gezha snobery????? We, from BT families have so much (more?!) to contribute . . .
(Paranthetically, I know this one girl who refuses to date anyone gezh. She says their snobs. I joke with her all the time about her "superiority" complex.)
Besides, I (and i'm sure you do to) know hundreds of couples from BT fam's who have married rockin spouses!!!
Remember, the one you are going to marry is pre-destined (see Moed Kattan 18;b, and Sotah 2:a). If you are destined to marry a gezha dude, it will happen. And if you are destined to marry an awesome guy from a BT family, then . . . you're super lucky!!!
:-)
duby
you bring out a topic that has been talked about, but is never enough, and you stress some very right points.
yet there is always 2 sides to a story, the frum wold in general need to improve in term if accepting BT's.
But The BT needs to know and believe that all you need is the ONE & ONLY Bashert that is yours, and THE ONE you will iy"h get no matter what.
So what let yourself get down....
just hang in there
u controdict yourself by saying u yourself look down on bt's
"he might love to marry a BT, but would also welcome a husband who was always frum. She may not want reminders of her previous life. She may want to move only forward.
and for the very same reason a ffb doesnt want a bt ether, and regarding the saying "where bt stand even ztadikim cant stand " the reason is becuase the bt smell so bad that even tzadikim can't stand nere them
marriage law here!!
I see it more of a 'the way you look at it' situation. As far as I've seen, no one looks down on other BT families, or forbids their children from playing together. It's just that marriage is about finding someone that you click with, and feel comfortable with. This is usually easier to find with someone with a similar background to yourself, but is in no way a condescending attitude.
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